This week

Yay blog! Lol….Wow is it sad when I actually enjoy looking forward to writing this blog. So life lately, well I’m still having a lot of bitter feelings towards the roommate situation and I think no matter what I will…However right now I’m just trying to focus on getting though this week and making it to the end of the weekend when I can move my stuff out and home and then go away…Well after I get though my teaching placement and stuff and then its off to the Dominican with J-Rod a.k.a Jenn Rose!! I’m sooo lookin forward to getting away how ever I’m already nervous for the plane ride cuz we all know how scared I can get.. Our house has been watching the Olympics a lot lately, mainly the figure skating. Nancy worked with a girl whose nephew is over there skating- Jeffrey Buttle- and Might I add quite the good looking man! I’m lookin forward to goin to the Q (Quebec) with breakaway for the high school march break! I’ll probably be takin a group from North Bay again, so hopefully it will be the same group as last year- they were awesome! As for bus drivers, I’ve never had a bad one which means I’m probably due for a shitty one soon so I’m hopin I don’t though! Feb 18th is coming up fast which means its not only my moms birthday, but also the day my dad passed away. It always makes for a mixed emotional day. I hate it as it approaches but once it passes is a huge weight lifted off me. Don’t get me wrong I think about it every day, it will be 5 years since it happened. I’m going home that day though, so perhaps it wont be so bad. I try not to think about it but its hard not too..I have a lot of work I need to do this week which really sucks including a mid term that lets face it as much as I study I always do bad but it would be nice to do good for once on this and on my essays I have to complete this week before I go away…So on that note I’ll head off I should hit the hay anyways!
Meliss’s tiredness!

I'm really pissed right now!

Wow can we say my roommate is a bitch?? She start’s bitching at me because I’m expressing my views on immigration. Like I’m sorry but I have my views on immigration and stuff, and like I’m not against it or any thing, I just have my feelings towards it. So what gives you the right to bitch at me when I make a comment about it?? Last time I checked “free speech” was apart of the constitutions. And on that note, they have both been getting on my nerves a lot. I mean we all live together, and we knew we all wanted to move out next year because we can’t stand out landlords, and here stupid me thought we would move out together, regardless how we feel about each other. I mean we get along, yea we have our days when we don’t wanna be near each other- but like doesn’t every house of roommates?? So here I am looking and searching for 3 bed room apartments for us all to move in together. Little did I know they had been planning on moving into one of their boyfriends house, and just didn’t want to tell me. I knew in Nov. that he has asked them to move in with him this year, and I thought to myself what a fucking piece of shit- who does that?? Ask’s 2 of the 3 to move in with him, like yea I don’t like him, actually I really hate him to be exact but that’s only because I think he’s a totally fucking jerk. And how he has to be at my apartment every week- for fuck sakes go to your own apartment with your girlfriend why do you have to be here every week? I wear it makes me sick that these two seem like they can’t go a week without seeing each other. Call it love if you want- I just think it’s a little pathetic. Anyways so I now know how my roommates felt when I’d have a guy here, however its been a while- I hate when he’s here it just pisses me off. Anyways back to the story, so come Jan we all know we’re gonna move out, and I start lookin at these 3 bedroom apartments and stuff for us and are showing them. Meanwhile my one roommate told me to talk to a friend about living in rez next year so I did that. However it was never a for sure thing, but she thought it was. And “claims” that she then decided to move in the house with my other roommate and her boyfriend. I love how she made it all nice, I mean I think the only reason she told me when she did was because it was an accident. Anyways what they don’t know is, is that one night when a friend of mine was drunk I was talking to her and she told me how one of my roommates said to her “I’m thinking of moving out with Amanda, but it’s not for sure yet so please don’t tell Mel” what the fuck is that? Like god, why can’t you just tell me why does it have to be some big secrete?? This whole situation has gotten me so mad because like I can’t believe they’d pull some kinda crap like that. It seems now like they are just planning stuff behind my back. And I already know I wont go to their house next year but whatever it makes me so mad. And so yea… and it makes me so mad that my one roommate wont clean this pot of mine, but yet she wants me to do her boyfriends dishes and stuff?? I’m sorry I don’t care if you wanna call me immature- but if I’m gonna do your boyfriends dishes- clean my damn pot! We clean everyone’s dishes EVERYONES!! Remember that was the rule they decided last year even though I didn’t want too… anyways so here I am stuck with no place to live next year and I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet because it seems like everyone already has plans made, and I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet. I’m not mad at my other friend about the rez thing, I mean it wasn’t her fault and it was never for sure anyways. Maybe next time my roommates should pay less attention to the TV and more attention to me when I talk to her about it. Or better yet not make me look like an fuckin idiot while I search for apartments and stuff and show them, when the whole time they knew they were moving out!
This is Melissa’s pissed off mood!

Halla!

So the city buses might be going on strike, and like what is up with that?? It's so frustrating because I have two tests next week one at 830am and one at 630pm and really lets face it, theres no way im walking to the school at like 730 in the mornirng or walking home at 930 at night. It's just silly, and the expect us too? Like alright I see that ppl in rez can walk up, but what about others who are further than me?

Things are going well in general, I'm looking foward to my trip to the Dominican because it's just way to cold here and for once I want to complain about how hot it is instead of how cold it is!

I've got a lot of studying and work today before reading week and before I go away. It kinda of sucks but it's my own fault because some of it I'm just plain behind on. My roommates are really bothering me again, really just the little things, but like I have no idea where I am going to live next year. I don't even know what to do. Like I'm lost in confusion and frustration. But that's a whole new post and clearly not enough in here to say. My brother is coming to pick me on on the weekend and we're packing almost all my stuff home- desk, dressor, bed, fridge, clothes, and random shit. I'm actually lookin foward to it- I guess it is cuz I will be leaving this house soon, and yea that makes me happy.

I'm officially the only 'single' girl left in my appartment, well who isn't "tryin something with someone and seeing where it goes". I dunno it kinda sucks because I know sooner or later- it's just gonna be me. I mean Amanda already has to be with her boyfrend like 24-7 or ya know she just wont live or something. I dunno it pisses me off that someone is so depended on another person. And well him staying here- dont get me started. I now understand how they felt when I did it. But its cuz like hell- go to his house or something. And everything is about him- gah drives me crazy... but now we have Nancy, and like thinkgs are clearly gonna happpen with her guy, I mean any blind idiot could see that one. Which means she will be with him- probably not as much as Amanda, but really its just gonna be me left and it kinds sucks. I've wanted a decent guy for a while, I mean I'm sick of all the asshole's in life I've dated or begun dating.. I just wanna find me a nice sweet kind guy!

Oh well, thats all for now I gotta concentrate with work and stuff....

just a quicki ;)

So I’m taking a break from planning my music lesson for when I go my placement next week. I have to say- I’m not a fan and I plan on paying off other teachers when I teach to write them up for me. They totally suck and really like as if I’m gonna actually sit down and do them the way I’m supposed to when I’m teaching…Anywho So things are going well… only 14 days till Jenn and I hit the DR (aka the Dominican) I’m so excited its gonna be WAYYY to much fun. My prof said he hates me cuz he’s getting something with his teeth done over the holiday…Ohh one more note for those who don’t know- the Sen’s game on Monday was a lot of fun. The k-town (Kanata) was a blast for the night… took a great pic on the way home, I love it- its the side of the road but its nice..Anywho I need to get back to work, just bored and I don’t want to and I so don’t want to go to class however it’s my last one and then my weekend is here!!! YAY FOR SLEEPING IN TOMORROW!!!

What the fork you ask? I dont know... 

The uncut version of the Rob situation...

So finally I can write whatever I want and not give a shit if people read it cuz i know i can vent about it and not have to be shy or embarrassed about certain people reading it. I like this- I can say how I feel and not care because I know its like my journal and unlike my msn space I can control *for the most part* who reads this… and really for some reason I don’t care because I know I’m gonna feel better. So the real, uncut, uncensored, and unrestricted version of all the stuff going on with Rob (Canadore Rob). Those reading this have already been informed of parts of the situation because I’ve come to you looking for advise on it. However I feel the need to type how I really feel about all this and just get it off my chest because as most of you know, Melissa telling her feelings, not something that happens often and I really only do it though the means of the internet because its where I feel safe. Rob and I met while I was at home getting my wisdom teeth out in October, it turned out he used to be roommates with a guy that I work with and knew though school and my roommate as well. We would talk for hours a night, I looked forward to chatting with him when he got back from class. It helped to take my mind of the pain I was experiencing from having my teeth out, and just the little things. I got back to the Bay after and we decided to meet up. It was weird how fast we clicked and I had hoped that it would stay that way but I was wrong. I was so scared, and nervous, that I acted like a complete ass. Its like I went into survival mode. I acted like someone I wasn’t - I didn’t do it purposely, I didn’t even realize this until I went home. I guess it was like my conscience doing it because if you don’t know what I’m like than you cant hurt me emotionally, physically etc. I know I’ve done this before in my past, but like I said I do it without realizing it. When I went home that night, I realized this had happened, and I knew things were about to change. That they did… We went from looking forward to chatting every day and doing that, to talking every few days for only a few min a day. Finally I got the guts to say something to him about how things had went and this was in Dec. We hadn’t seen each other since the October hang out and when I got back in January we decided to hang out again. Rolls reversed and this time it was him who acted different. It felt like I wasn’t even wanted there, like I was being baby sat almost. We sat down to watch a movie, and almost half way though I was ready to get up and leave. But I didn’t I stayed and for some reason agreed for another movie only to have the same thing. He told me ahead of time that he was expecting a really important e mail so I didn’t mind when he kept getting up and going into the other room to his comp. But then he came back and told me he had received it and things were fine. Except he kept getting up and going into his room for his comp… I mean I’m an avid msn girl I can tell when people are typing on there, and yet if I had someone over I wouldn’t leave like that and that much. I was so frustrated, I think he stayed in the same room as me for all of like 30 min in total between 2 movies…I felt like shit after, he offered to walk me home, I didn’t even want him to but he did. I was just so frustrated that I cried the rest of the way home, I mean I felt like total shit. I guess it was karma getting me back for how I treated him before. I didn’t want anything to do with him.. I knew I kinda liked him before but I got over those feelings…or at least I thought I had. Once again, we talked about that situation and opted for a hang out night where things would be good. And they were, I had a lot of fun with him, and it was nice to be able to “be myself” around him un like the first time. Things were getting back to the way they had been and I was happy. We were hanging out a few times a week, and I realized my feelings were coming back. Except I was getting frustrated because he’d make these little flirty comments like I’d joke and ask him why he was so mean and he responded “same reason little boys tease little girls they like them” I mean it was all jokes at first, but eventually I needed it to stop. It was just making things worse. I wished I didn’t have the feelings that I did because I really liked our friendship and I didn’t wanna change that. I just wanted to be friends. But the flirty comments were starting to just fuck with my head and it was making things worse. I knew he wanted to be friends- I mean its obviously you can tell these things easy… I fought with myself about telling him, I took the advise of numerous people, including him who said to me once “If it is affecting you personally, I would tell them. You never really know how they will react, but I wouldn’t let something burden me.” I mean I kinda knew how he would react but I had also hoped that he would understand why I was telling him all this and things would stay the same. But then there was the part of me who has had this happen before- feelings for a friend, and then the friendship is ruined. I didn’t want that to happen, I mean I liked where our friendship was going, and I’d have a lot of fun hanging out regardless what we were doing. However, I gave in, I e mailed him and told him what was going on and how I felt about things and that I did like him. As soon as I hit send, I regretted it because I knew it was gonna change things. And knowing how shy I can be- I knew once this came out I’d probably never be able to look at him in the face again. He read it, told me we’d talk about it later cuz he was busy. I didn’t mind. Except when he didn’t talk to me it was like flashbacks of when it happened before and my friend and I got in a huge fight over it and we really don’t talk anymore because of it. I e mailed him again, apologizing for sending it, I felt bad because I didn’t wanna burden him with this, but like at the same time I couldn’t listen to the head games anymore cuz it was making it to weird. Once again time passed without hearing anything from him, I e mailed him one last time- I decided if nothing happened after this when then I was over it, and him. I got a response, saying what I already knew- I don’t feel the same why, and stuff about how I apologize too much and that’s how he knew it wouldn’t work. I suppose I do, I mean you look at the assholes from my past who make everything my fault yea I’m kinda used to it now..but then there were times I’d say it as a joke and other times I’d say sorry because I didn’t know where he was coming from with a comment because I didn’t understand him half the time. I guess that’s what too many sorrys can do eh? Well its been about a week since that e mail and things are definitely like they were after I acted different that first night. We don’t hang out anymore, we hardly talk for more than 5 min, and I’m scared/embarrassed/shy to even msg him. I know that what I did was the end of a friendship. I mean I know we didn’t know each other long enough to be good friends or something, but still a friend is a friend in my mind. I mean I knew it wouldn’t ever work even before I told him but I just had to to make the comments stop..Like I said I knew before I told him that he didn’t have the same feelings but also because I knew I’d never add up to someone else. I mean you know how when someone talks about someone and u can just tell how they felt. Well he talked a few times about a girl he knew for a while and went to see last year, I’ve read the blogs where he talks about her, the song he wrote about her, it was obvious when we talked and he brought her up there was no comparison. I’m fine with that- I mean we can’t all add up to what we know from others. I mean no boyfriend will add up to the past ones in certain aspects, and that was me. Like I said I don’t care- because I don’t ever wanna feel like I’m being compared to another person. But I also knew I mean I could just see it the first time he talked about her. All I care is about how things are now… I know if I saw him at school I’d probably turn and go the other way. I’m not mad at him really, just the situation, because I never wanted to tell I wanted to just get over it myself, but for some reason I did. And I guess this is where I am now.. Wondering why.. And wishing nothing was said, wishing it would be like it was before I had the feelings. Its pretty much turned into him being just another guy in the past.. There’s a reason why I don’t tell people how I feel because every time I do it wrecks the friendship that is already had. I battle myself every time when it comes to stuff like that, and I think from now on I’m just gonna keep things like this to myself…however getting it all out like this feels good too…Except I saw him tonight getting on the bus and I turned around to go off the other door so I wouldn't have to talk to him...I'm not mad at him in any way, I'm just to embarrassed and shy to deal with it right now and see him...I mean I know from the past- I'd look at him blush look away and not say a word...I know that this is probably the end and its frustrating, he was a really nice guy, lots of fun even when I was upset somehow he'd make me laugh. I dont say that because I liked him, I say that because he was an awesome friend and guy..However odds are we probably wont talk anymore- not because I dont want to but because it seems like he doesnt, and with that it makes me even more shy and embarrassed...Oh well I guess It's just the shy Melissa that is coming out again...

This is Mel’s frustrations….and sorry for the long post but it was needed...

My First Blog

So this is my first blog… I’ve decided to make this so that I no longer have to censor my blogs from people. This way I can choose who reads them..to an extent and write about whatever I want…So this is my intro.. My name is Meliss im 20 and currently studying History and Sociology in hopes of teaching one day… I live in North Bay for school, but originally I'm from a the GTA. I’m single, and looking… I do have to end this as I need to get some sleep, however I will keep this updated on a regular basis if I can!!