Feelin like I've failed :(

I just need to vent. I've been unemployed since June (when I graduated). I cant get a job teaching or in the education field, or even a regular non-education job. I've been applying everywhere and I have yet to even have 1 interview since June. I'm starting to feel like I've failed. I mean I have this great education that lots of people dont have the option of getting, and your supposed to come out of school and start in the real world with a job and I can't even get that. I have bills to pay that I can't pay- and I'm living at home so its not like im currently worrying about rent and stuff, but I do have to deal with other things. Its just really frustrating and after being out for so long without even getting a single interview i'm starting to feel pretty useless- I mean I can't even seem to get a job as a cashier. Ive entertained the thought of going to the UK to teach because they seem to be desperate, but something keeps holding me back. Probably the fact that Id be scared crapless because id be goin along, wouldn't know anyone, and the kids there are a lot harder to deal with than canadian children. The plus is I could actually save a LOT of money. But i dont wanna leave my family, my bunny, and again i can't make a huge transition like that alone. So its back to layin in bed all day as i look for jobs. I just want something to come along that id actually like. Daycare was a thought; but i dont like younger children unless they are in some way related to me lol. I dont wanna change diapers all day and i know i wouldnt be happy- and when your working with children you NEED to enjoy your job because the kids will catch on and the way you feel will reflect in how they feel about you. I just want the feeling of failing and letting people down to go away. I look at my brother who seems to get everything so easily, he got fired from his job 4 weeks ago and already has 4 different job offers- one from each interview he went on. He has an income and pays his bills and yet i can't even get that and i have a higher education than him. I just feel like ive let alot of people down- including myself.

A post for the fun of it

I haven't posted in a while so I figured I would. Nothin really new or exciting going on in life, I'm still lookin for a job (teaching or non) and it really sucks.

Today I was at my Uncles 70th Birthday BBQ and I'm really happy with the choices I made for dinner. We had hot dogs, hamburgers, sausages, and chicken breast - I opted for the chicken and a bit of ceaser salad and a bit of broccoli salad. I was happy with that! At desert I did have a piece of carrot cake which was AMAZING! but i turned down the butter tart i was given, and the rice crispy square. I much say I'm happy with that. I do have a really bad headache post-cake though due to the sugar! I never used to get "sugar highes" but i've noticed now that i changed what im eating and what not, that things like sugar really get to me....

Nothin else really new other than being UBER tired- i was up all night driving my drunk (older) brother around town so that he wouldn't drive his own car.

Omg what a waste of a night!

So on Friday I went to visit my best friend in Ingersoll it was a lot f fun- great night! That isnt my problem.... My problem is Saturday Night... I went to see a guy Sat night in London (i've posted about it before)... I thought it was gonna be quite the night given the history between us- and the massssssive amount of sexual tension that had been buildin between us for a few weeks... So I get to his house and we go in- he hadn't eaten dinner yet so he cooked up some food for himself... we sat on the couch --- i could pretty much end it there because that explains the whole night except it gets worse!!! We sit beside eachother at first- only time he spoke was when i inniated the conversation by making a comment or asking him a question- we watched movies that were on tv...we sat pretty much in utter silence --- the breaking point- he was texting another girl all night while i was sitting beside him... He's got this girl he really likes but she doesn't wanna date him for whatever reasons yet he continues to chase it--- well many times he'll be with her and texting me- why not- its good times - but i didn't realize that when he was with me he'd be texting her lol... WOW is all i have to say... Then he gets up later on for a drink comes back and lays on the other couch so what do i do- lay down on the one im on lol... the whole night i debated bailing but i wasn't sure how to do it and not be a bitch lol... well it never happened cuz i ended up falling asleep on the couch - what can i say it was just WAYYYY to exciting of a night lol - god i could have had more fun alone at home- at least i'd get my own bed to sleep in at the end of the night... i guess shortly after i crashed he decided to go to bed and left me on the couch- didnt even toss a blaket beside me - fuck I woke up FROZEN! when i woke up this mornirng i did bail- i left...it ended up taking me almost 4 hrs to get home due to traffic- i wasn't about to wait around sitting on his couch all morning for him to wake up --- at that point i just wanted to get the F outa there! I dont know what his deal was- he hasn't talked to me yet today so i msg'd him he was replying until i asked "what was your deal lastnight?" haha OPPS! none the less i'm over the whole situation - actually im more frustrated and annoyed than anything. At least pretend that your interested when im there lol! I think actually, im mixed between Frustration and Stupidity lol


---- just got his reply as to what his deal was lastnight he said he was stressed, tired and wasn't feeling well --- thats a lot of excuses lol... he has an exam on friday he claims thats what its all from- common even when your stressed u can still TALK!-----

Still angry

So i thought when i woke up this morning that i was feeling better and not pissed off- but nope i still am... i msg'd him today and asked him if he was still in a crusty mood b/c last night he was bitchy and he was like yea i guess im fine and said nothing to me after that--- so im back to being pissed off!

UGHHHHHHHHHH

I'm so upset right now... you know when your angry and frustrated that you just wanna cry but your so angry that you cant- yep thats me RIGHT now... and whos the only person that can make us women like this? Men... So yes it was a man that has done this to me! we'e good friends i mean i like him *as posted earlier* at least i think i do... and i found out tonight that though he doesn't like me in the way i would prefer he finds me sexually attractive lol or at least so that he wants to sleep with me...i guess after all the drunken text messagiging things seem to have developed lol... so after a long 2 hr convo on line i'm angry as hell! things that normally wouldn't really bother me have really gotten under my skin.. i just wanna yell its like every little thing he said was pissing me off and normally things dont really bother me that much..he was making it out like if i didnt come visit him (hes in London, On) within the next day or two than clearly im just "all talk and a tease" again normally that woulnt bug me but i really took offence to it tonight. i attemtped to blame 'mother nature' for not being able to (even though it was a lie) and even that bairly worked his responce was "well a week is a long time to wait." im just so angry and frustrated right now... I'll be the first to admit we have a lot of sexual tension between us i mean u could totally cut it with a knife lol and the fact that today is his birthday and tomorrow is mine i guess made it to be the 'perfect birthday presents' lol.... i dont know if its just a mood im in and he walked into it making it worse of if he is the reason for this mood...I'm not happy with the pressure he was giving me i know that made things worse- like if i said i'm not comfortable with something leave it at that and fuckin respect it dont keep pushing at it! and i do have mixed feelings about it.. i mean am i all talk maybe a bit? hes a good friend of mine and i dont wanan complicate things... at the same time i am attracted to him.. it has been a few years since much has happened between me and a man - due to jeremys passing so i know thats probably effecting my mood too!

i just wanna yell at the top of my lungs!!!!


side note: according to a facebook quiz- this song is the theme song of my life- check out the video i really like the song and its actually totally real because the lyrics do match how i feel at this stage in my life http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BieVgyrfglQ

Birthdays and frustrations!

So I had my birthday tonight because it was the only night this week my fam could all get together. I got some awesome things :) New perfume DEF didnt see that one coming since my mom already gave me my presents! I got a new duvet cover, bag, perfume (YAY), money, some jewlery, and a new Magic Bullet since the one I bought with Jeremy seems to have gone missing ever since we moved in together. I'm excited for my new one because i know i'm in a better place to have it because i'm going to be doing sooooooooooooo much with it. I went out for dinner to Boston Pizza tonight and went all out and didnt really care but i did make sure to track it :). I decided to divide up my dinner so i'd have some for lunch tomorrow and that way it would help with the point over load (especially after i hit up desert lol). I did use all my weekly's but i didn't go over in any way so im happy about that!

And then theres the frustraton part... (leads in from my last post that i said i would go into a bit more in detail). Theres a guy that i do like i guess i have a classic 'crush' on him. Frustrating...VERY because its been going on (fun flirting) for a few months... i dont even know if you'd call it that- really its just random convo's we have... but none the less i do like him... its werid i'm not sure why at all hes WAY younger than me which is odd for me i like guys my age or just a few years older so this is a new experience. None the less the crush must end has he has met a girl- she says she doesn't want a relationshp but when does that ever mean a thing lol... oh well we are frends- entertaining friends at that... just frustrated i guess... though i know ill get over it!

To be honest i'm not sure if im ready for a relationshp yet I still miss jeremy a lot and i know i always will- people say the second year is the hardest because its no longer the 'first' first christmas without him etc... now its happened and its what it will be like for the rest of your life...i think i would have to agree with that... the past few months i really felt like i was getting somewhere however as soon as the two year anniv. hit it was GAME OVER!Some days i would say i am others i would say i'm not... its hard... i guess when it happens it will be time and i will be okay with it...i guess i just miss having that other person around to share things with..laugh..smile..cry all that good shit

Sat night shenanigans

Wow I dont even know where to begin lastnight. It was sooooooo much fun! The stories that came out of last night were so funny--- not to mention I actually remembered a lot of random stuff that went down a few months ago that I totally forgot about (random 20 questions with a friend on MSN lol). It def was a random night though... a lot of text messages were going back and forth between me and someone else which def made the entire night really entertaining! None the less i woke up this morning feeling as though i had one two many lol... I will write more- i just cant right now... i need some sleep and to gather my thoughts some more...

UGH

Man I'm so frustrated with myself... I just realized I screwed up cover letters for teaching- which means the 6 hrs i spent driving around delivering applications for jobs was somewhat a waste of time. Why do i ALWAYS do this!?!?!? Its so typical for me to not re-read a cover letter and send it off-- its like hi im applying for Kindergarten but then it talkes about the grade 4 curriculum....I'm just angry cuz i just totally screwed myself out of jobs! I'm just so freagin mad at myself!

I'm going to a Kegger tomorrow night in London should be interesting since i dont know many of the people attending... actually i only know about 5 of them lol... Oh well I'll booze it up and all will be well!

I'm hoping to get up early tomorrow mornring and go for a run.. I've been neglecting it for the past week and I know I really need to go out and do it so heres hoping i get up at a decent time! OO I also went grocery shopping today and got some lovely new goodies i would have never thought of before- 100cal bags of popcorn (I'm not much into P.C. but once in a while i really want some so this will be great!) and some awesome kabobs- they are only 2pts and taste soo good!!! I'm heading to Boston Pizza on Sunday for my birthday dinner and I've been pre-looking at the menu and I think i have picked out what I'm gonna order so that should make things a bit easier that day... Things are getting easier at restraunts though - when i first started with WW i didn't want to eat out ever because i never knew what to get or what it would be worth so i'd just be like na im not hungry, however now i'm getting a lot more used to what is "good" in an order and what is bad.. so with that i'm WAY happier!

Wow this is turning into a really long post lol.... oooo so exciting- Not only have i now gotten into my jeans from 2 years ago (YAY!) and my tennis skirt from 2 years ago (DOUBLE YAY) but I also got into my size smaller tank tops- uber happy about that... I'm happy to be getting back to my "pre-jeremy passing" weight and not be at the weight that i was when jeremy died. Really I just wanna be back to my high school weight - Between my 1st year of Univ. and the begining of my 4th year i put on like 20lbs - and then from my 4th year to 5th year (when jer and i were dating to when he died) I put on anothr 15 -- in teachers college I stayed the same however its about time i get back to my high school days - like in this pic i think i was 17 when this was taken! (I'm in the skirt/dress)

Anywho I'm heading -- this has turned into a HUGE post that I'm not used to lol...
luvs!

Bored

So I'm bored and I thought I would come on and spify up my blog... I was looking at Becki's and loved her background and went to the website and pulled off mine! I love it so much better than the Blogger options! I also added on my weight loss tracker on the side with the pounds I loose each week. I thought it would be nice to have this since the ticker at the top of this doesn't show the weekly work just the overall.... Anywho I'm finished now and off to bed!

I did go away on the weekend- Went to St. Kitts with a bunch of friends from work it was soooooooo much fun i can't wait to do it again... my fav pic from the weekend (skill to shoot from the top down makes ur face skinnier lol). I've also been having a "i miss jeremy" day... some people think im crazy since its been 2 years and i still miss him but i do have my moments and today is one. i just wish i could give him a nice big hug and tell him how much i love him :) .... Anywho here are two pics from the Niagara weekend! Much fun was had!

eating at midnight and tomorrow is WI

So i've decided to change my WI day to wednesday -- after a lot of thought i feel like it will be better than monday morning. When i was doing WI on Mondays i was often bloated from a weekend of eating making the scale weigh me in more than i really was... with the change to wedneday i feel like even if i do eat a bit to much on the weekends i will still have 2 days to get back into gear and work it off... plus it might help me not go over board because i will still have a few days left that i need to get through...

with that im HUNGRY!!!!!!!!! so im eating a bowl of special K (didn't measure it dont care that its not on portion) im freggggggggggin hungry - i drank 2 glasses of water to try to make this hunger go away but it didnt --- i wasited 5 pts today on cake lol it was goooooood but not something that has been able to make me full later on - none the less i will live with my mistake when i WI tomorrrow

Doctor's and Chest X-ray's

So what a fun afternoon I had....SLASH NOT! I spent an hour in the doctors office- shocking it wasn't longer lol..... and then he sent me for a chest x-ray... I've been sick since Feb so thats 4 months now... I was better for about 2 weeks and its coming back again (no worries its not swine) and to the happiness of my family its bacterial which means no one i'm around will get sick - its just a bad bad cough and kills my energy - when it first started i couldnt drive more than an hour without having to pull over for a nap... it was bad! I've been told it sounds like croup but alast it is not... we're not sure what it is so i'm kinda hoping that this x-ray brings something up so at least i have a reason for this cold :(

I love WW!!!

I'm feeling good today! I'm really enjoying my time with Weight Watchers; and the message boards really keep me going... I love the posts that people made because a lot of the time its something I have been wondering myself. Not to mention all the inspiration it has given me! I'm really excited today because I've realized I've gained flexibility. Prior to WW I was never able to touch my toes standing up - even though I went to the gym it just never happened. But tonight I realized I can do it now! I haven't been able to do this since I was young and dancing! I've been doing different types of exercises and it is clearly working. I am worried that I wont loose again this week just because I didn't last week and I was semi-bummed out about it but I did loose inches so that was alright... I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be thin and that it wasn't a process lol- if only it could happen....

Title... Who needs a title?

So things have been going good so far i suppose... Haven't posted in a few days- i wont lie its cuz ive been to lazy too and haven't felt the need to.... Things seem to be going well (or so i hope) with Weight Watchers :) Tomorrow is Weigh In day and im not sure how i feel about it seeing as i had quite the dirty dirty pizza for dinner lastnight - even though i managed to stay on point. Oh well I needed it.. I just hope i can loose still cuz i know anything less will make me feel really un motiveated!

I'm looking forward to the next 3 weekends though (also gonna be hard to stay on point). I'm headed to Niagara this weekend to party with some co-workers it should be a lot of fun! And i could really go for some fun lately.. Then I'm off to London for yet another party weekend with some co-workers that can't make it to Niagara... Then the 3rd weekend is my BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!! Its awesome sharing your birthday weekend with Canada cuz it means I always get a long weekend lol... I'm headed to North Bay and then Mattawa for camping with my close friends and their family - or as i like to call it my second family :) I first Met Kayla and Dave when Jeremy and I went to Toronto to see them in December. Kayla was pregnant with her first child and I was told by Jeremy that their oppinion meant more to him than his own (God can we say pressure!!!!) so here I am having to make a good impression and clearly I have. We have remiand close friends since and it has really gotten me through my hardest times. Both Dave and Kayla's parents and family have also been very close with me. Their parents were like second parents to Jeremy and clearly have adopted me into that theory too... So we're camping Kayla and the un-born second baby lol, Dave, their baby Ethan, Daves parents, Daves sister, and Daves aunt and uncle... From there I'm headed back to North Bay to visit with Jeremys family (i'm hoping they will be home as i do miss them a lot) and a visit with one of Jeremy's professours Natalie Dunn (no relation).

So i have a lot to look forward to over the next few weeks which is nice... I've been having a hard time being 'peppy and happy' just have a lot goin on in my mind and around me. Some of the stuff going on makes me feel like a bad person....and I dont like that feeling because I know thats not the case but when you can't be happy for someone's engagement it really does make u feel like crap!

I've Graduated!

So Friday was the big day! I graduated Teachers College and I'm very excited about that... The only problem is that there are NO school boards hiring and it sucks! It is kinda frustrationg because you have this dream and you work hard for 6 years to achieve it only to know you can't live it for a few years until the economy gets better and teachers start to retire!

I'm looking forward to this new chapter in life and can't wait to be able to get into a classroom and do what I love :)

Other things have been going well. WW is working and I'm enjoying it- I just want to be able to stick with it and make the changes that need to be made. I went to my step-dad's gig on Friday night (after grad) and had a few drinks and still managed to keep in my daily points with them which made me very happy....

This is the start of changes and new parts to my life and hopefully I will get everything I want in life....

"Some people dream of great accomplishments while others stay awake and achieve them!"

Yaun

Yea I'm tired but none the less here i am for a quick blog.... I went out today to visit my grandma (shes sick) nothing too exciting came from that just a visit.... went shopping with my mom she bought me my graduation present (i really wanted pearls) so i found a necklace i liked a lot (even though it was the last type of pearl necklace i ever wanted- i hate the ones with the pearls all the way around i just wanted 1 pearl on a chain-- boy was i wrong when it tried it on!).....came home and went out for dinner it was rather un eventful and then went for a tan... im freggin tired now though!

hopefully i wake up refreshed tomorrow morning so i can go out for a walk - im working my way up to running again

Goodnight all!

Do I have a death wish?

I think I do because I did the 30 day shred this afternoon and then bobs boot camp this evening... i will be DEAD tomorrow --- the only problem is I have to do it in my room so the cardo parts i cant do the same or else i'd be shaking the living room below me lol.

hum...

I'm undecided how I feel at this current time .... I know some people will be like "are you kidding me, its been 2 years and your not over it" but until you live it- you really have no idea... The past year I have been relatively 'good' in terms of emotions... sure there were a few times that i'd totally loose it but for the most part it was much better than year 1... however lately i've been in a funk... I really miss him I'm not sure if being in North bay and sudbury last weekend did it because it brought back memories of him or because i haven't been there in a year and thus i was going back to where it all began... none the less its not a good one.... I was seeing someone for a while to discuss this but... now that i think about it... its been almost a year since I've last been to her to talk (councellor). For the past 2 years I have been dealing with a lot of blame problems due to the way things were left and the fact that I do believe i could have prevented it- it was because of me he went out that night and therefore did not come home...Its hard I mean we weren't together for a VERY long time when compard to most peoples relationships however, we were living together, and spent almost every day together - We started dating in Oct and did not spend a night away from eachother until our Christmas vaca -- so even though we were not together long we spent a lot of time together every day and every night (with only a few exceptions) so in a sence we were together for a long time i guess.. thats right 2 years later and I'm still having all these thoughts...

My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope's channels,
I'll reach the shore at last.

On a side note... I graduate on Friday - I'll be a real teacher with no job to have BOO! All i've wanted my whole life was to teach and now that I am finally able to theres no job to have it sucks!
Right now I'm vegging out and watching some tv before bed.. I'm tired but as usual not tired enough to need to sleep or fall asleep and have a good one... My legs kill from doing the 30 day shred I'm hoping it wont be too bad because i'd like to get up early and go for a walk.

On another side note-- this is my FAV link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxsOVK4syxU&feature=player_embedded -- its an amazing speaker who talks about What Teachers Make --- every single thing he says is true and i love it for that~

Tired...

I'm tired. Yea I know I slept in today until 11am haven't done much today but I'm tired! I dunno if its because I'm not sleeping properly at night (always an issue with me) or if it is because i do nothing all day and am just bored but who knows.... i spent today cleaning my room and re-organizing the spare/office room because it just got some new furniture. I've spent most of today in bed with my heating pad again (dying) and snuggling with my bunny Waffles. Heres hoping i feel better soon and get more energy - i'm sick of not having a job but i am looking every day for one. i am also tired because i did the 30 day shred today, i had a moment where my cramps went away so i went for it. bad thing is it made me feel like crap after!

Wow its been a while

So it really has been a while since I last stopped by. I re-posted a few of my fav songs that I had on my other blog and then deleted it since I didn't need to have two on here. I dunno how much I'll be here hopefully more often, I always knew writing allowed me to get out feelings that I wouldn't otherwise outright say or express in 'real life'..... Things have been up and down lately I'm not really sure how I feel but I know its not myself nore is it SUPPER DUPPER HYPER AND HAPPY more nostalgic, down, sad etc. etc..... a lot has been going on this month and I'm sure it doesnt help.

This month was the 2 year anniv of Jeremys accident (also probably playing into my fucked up feelings lately)... I've had a lot of time to reflect on things that have happened in the 3 years (year we knew eachother and then after his death). I'm frustrated with his friends and my friends... I saw one of them last weekend and it threw me for a loup (making me bawl my eyes out the whole way home from sudbury)... His mom has opened up a bit more; we've had a hard time with eachother - Not in a I hate you kinda way- but it was more when she saw me it made her hurt too much because she associated me with her son and in tern when i saw her it made me hurt a lot because i associate her with him... She e mailed me a big long e mail and it made me cry all about how I'm like the daughter she never had... I miss his family a lot but right now its too painful to see them even though at the same time i feel like thats what i need right now.

I've started Weight Watchers officially... Ive never been good with this type of commitment so we will have to wait and see how that goes- i hope i am able to stick with it....

On that note - I'm gonna go... Lets see how long i stick with this blog seeing as the last post was a year ago ish....

Hurting...

Can't Bring Myself To Light This Fuse"

This is the first time that I've written out your name
This is the last time that I'll ever feel the same
Maybe I said too much but I don't care
You're acting still like I'm not there

Run, but you can't hide
Fall, but on whose side?

I'm broken, so deadly
You're just the one to fix it
You're calling, it's early
That feeling
God I miss it
Don't want to live without
Don't want to sit this out
Don't want to know if it's the last time I'll breathe you...in

Every word just turns a fire that you say
All I can do is light the fuse and walk away
But even I can't do that
I still back down
There's comfort in the silent ground
Run, but I can't hide
fall, but on her side

I'm broken, so deadly
You're just the one to fix it
You're calling, it's early
That feeling
God I miss it
Don't want to live without
Don't want to sit this out
Don't want to know if it's the last time I'll breathe you in

I'm broken, so deadly
You're just the one to fix it
I'm calling, it's early
That feeling
God I miss it
Don't want to live without
Don't want to sit this out
Don't want to know if it's the last time I'll breathe you...in

I'm broken, so deadly
You're just the one to fix it
I'm broken, so deadly
You're just the one to fix it
You're calling, it's early
That feeling, God I miss it

Don't want to know if it's the last time I'll breathe you...in...

got nothin for a title.....

I’m shattered
And broken beyond repair
I’m jaded
So sick of being here
You fucked up once to many times
This time, You fucked up my whole life

And it’s been coming for a while
But I’ve been hiding in denial
You never quite had what it takes
To be a man
You should’ve turned yourself around
Should’ve tried to stand your ground
Now it’s over and there’s, nothing left for me to do but go

It’s been too long to make amends
So I’ll just go, goodbye, my friend
If you just asked I’d get down on my knees
But we both know it’s best if I, just leave

And it’s been coming for a while
But I’ve been hiding in denial
You never quite had what it takes
To be a man
You should’ve turned yourself around
Should’ve tried to stand your ground
Now it’s over and there’s, nothing left for me to do but go

Nothing left for me to do but go.

I know you've made too many bad mistakes
And just know you let me down so much
I’ll be gone be gone before you know
That I still love you so
But I’m sorry