hum...

I'm undecided how I feel at this current time .... I know some people will be like "are you kidding me, its been 2 years and your not over it" but until you live it- you really have no idea... The past year I have been relatively 'good' in terms of emotions... sure there were a few times that i'd totally loose it but for the most part it was much better than year 1... however lately i've been in a funk... I really miss him I'm not sure if being in North bay and sudbury last weekend did it because it brought back memories of him or because i haven't been there in a year and thus i was going back to where it all began... none the less its not a good one.... I was seeing someone for a while to discuss this but... now that i think about it... its been almost a year since I've last been to her to talk (councellor). For the past 2 years I have been dealing with a lot of blame problems due to the way things were left and the fact that I do believe i could have prevented it- it was because of me he went out that night and therefore did not come home...Its hard I mean we weren't together for a VERY long time when compard to most peoples relationships however, we were living together, and spent almost every day together - We started dating in Oct and did not spend a night away from eachother until our Christmas vaca -- so even though we were not together long we spent a lot of time together every day and every night (with only a few exceptions) so in a sence we were together for a long time i guess.. thats right 2 years later and I'm still having all these thoughts...

My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope's channels,
I'll reach the shore at last.

On a side note... I graduate on Friday - I'll be a real teacher with no job to have BOO! All i've wanted my whole life was to teach and now that I am finally able to theres no job to have it sucks!
Right now I'm vegging out and watching some tv before bed.. I'm tired but as usual not tired enough to need to sleep or fall asleep and have a good one... My legs kill from doing the 30 day shred I'm hoping it wont be too bad because i'd like to get up early and go for a walk.

On another side note-- this is my FAV link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxsOVK4syxU&feature=player_embedded -- its an amazing speaker who talks about What Teachers Make --- every single thing he says is true and i love it for that~