The uncut version of the Rob situation...

So finally I can write whatever I want and not give a shit if people read it cuz i know i can vent about it and not have to be shy or embarrassed about certain people reading it. I like this- I can say how I feel and not care because I know its like my journal and unlike my msn space I can control *for the most part* who reads this… and really for some reason I don’t care because I know I’m gonna feel better. So the real, uncut, uncensored, and unrestricted version of all the stuff going on with Rob (Canadore Rob). Those reading this have already been informed of parts of the situation because I’ve come to you looking for advise on it. However I feel the need to type how I really feel about all this and just get it off my chest because as most of you know, Melissa telling her feelings, not something that happens often and I really only do it though the means of the internet because its where I feel safe. Rob and I met while I was at home getting my wisdom teeth out in October, it turned out he used to be roommates with a guy that I work with and knew though school and my roommate as well. We would talk for hours a night, I looked forward to chatting with him when he got back from class. It helped to take my mind of the pain I was experiencing from having my teeth out, and just the little things. I got back to the Bay after and we decided to meet up. It was weird how fast we clicked and I had hoped that it would stay that way but I was wrong. I was so scared, and nervous, that I acted like a complete ass. Its like I went into survival mode. I acted like someone I wasn’t - I didn’t do it purposely, I didn’t even realize this until I went home. I guess it was like my conscience doing it because if you don’t know what I’m like than you cant hurt me emotionally, physically etc. I know I’ve done this before in my past, but like I said I do it without realizing it. When I went home that night, I realized this had happened, and I knew things were about to change. That they did… We went from looking forward to chatting every day and doing that, to talking every few days for only a few min a day. Finally I got the guts to say something to him about how things had went and this was in Dec. We hadn’t seen each other since the October hang out and when I got back in January we decided to hang out again. Rolls reversed and this time it was him who acted different. It felt like I wasn’t even wanted there, like I was being baby sat almost. We sat down to watch a movie, and almost half way though I was ready to get up and leave. But I didn’t I stayed and for some reason agreed for another movie only to have the same thing. He told me ahead of time that he was expecting a really important e mail so I didn’t mind when he kept getting up and going into the other room to his comp. But then he came back and told me he had received it and things were fine. Except he kept getting up and going into his room for his comp… I mean I’m an avid msn girl I can tell when people are typing on there, and yet if I had someone over I wouldn’t leave like that and that much. I was so frustrated, I think he stayed in the same room as me for all of like 30 min in total between 2 movies…I felt like shit after, he offered to walk me home, I didn’t even want him to but he did. I was just so frustrated that I cried the rest of the way home, I mean I felt like total shit. I guess it was karma getting me back for how I treated him before. I didn’t want anything to do with him.. I knew I kinda liked him before but I got over those feelings…or at least I thought I had. Once again, we talked about that situation and opted for a hang out night where things would be good. And they were, I had a lot of fun with him, and it was nice to be able to “be myself” around him un like the first time. Things were getting back to the way they had been and I was happy. We were hanging out a few times a week, and I realized my feelings were coming back. Except I was getting frustrated because he’d make these little flirty comments like I’d joke and ask him why he was so mean and he responded “same reason little boys tease little girls they like them” I mean it was all jokes at first, but eventually I needed it to stop. It was just making things worse. I wished I didn’t have the feelings that I did because I really liked our friendship and I didn’t wanna change that. I just wanted to be friends. But the flirty comments were starting to just fuck with my head and it was making things worse. I knew he wanted to be friends- I mean its obviously you can tell these things easy… I fought with myself about telling him, I took the advise of numerous people, including him who said to me once “If it is affecting you personally, I would tell them. You never really know how they will react, but I wouldn’t let something burden me.” I mean I kinda knew how he would react but I had also hoped that he would understand why I was telling him all this and things would stay the same. But then there was the part of me who has had this happen before- feelings for a friend, and then the friendship is ruined. I didn’t want that to happen, I mean I liked where our friendship was going, and I’d have a lot of fun hanging out regardless what we were doing. However, I gave in, I e mailed him and told him what was going on and how I felt about things and that I did like him. As soon as I hit send, I regretted it because I knew it was gonna change things. And knowing how shy I can be- I knew once this came out I’d probably never be able to look at him in the face again. He read it, told me we’d talk about it later cuz he was busy. I didn’t mind. Except when he didn’t talk to me it was like flashbacks of when it happened before and my friend and I got in a huge fight over it and we really don’t talk anymore because of it. I e mailed him again, apologizing for sending it, I felt bad because I didn’t wanna burden him with this, but like at the same time I couldn’t listen to the head games anymore cuz it was making it to weird. Once again time passed without hearing anything from him, I e mailed him one last time- I decided if nothing happened after this when then I was over it, and him. I got a response, saying what I already knew- I don’t feel the same why, and stuff about how I apologize too much and that’s how he knew it wouldn’t work. I suppose I do, I mean you look at the assholes from my past who make everything my fault yea I’m kinda used to it now..but then there were times I’d say it as a joke and other times I’d say sorry because I didn’t know where he was coming from with a comment because I didn’t understand him half the time. I guess that’s what too many sorrys can do eh? Well its been about a week since that e mail and things are definitely like they were after I acted different that first night. We don’t hang out anymore, we hardly talk for more than 5 min, and I’m scared/embarrassed/shy to even msg him. I know that what I did was the end of a friendship. I mean I know we didn’t know each other long enough to be good friends or something, but still a friend is a friend in my mind. I mean I knew it wouldn’t ever work even before I told him but I just had to to make the comments stop..Like I said I knew before I told him that he didn’t have the same feelings but also because I knew I’d never add up to someone else. I mean you know how when someone talks about someone and u can just tell how they felt. Well he talked a few times about a girl he knew for a while and went to see last year, I’ve read the blogs where he talks about her, the song he wrote about her, it was obvious when we talked and he brought her up there was no comparison. I’m fine with that- I mean we can’t all add up to what we know from others. I mean no boyfriend will add up to the past ones in certain aspects, and that was me. Like I said I don’t care- because I don’t ever wanna feel like I’m being compared to another person. But I also knew I mean I could just see it the first time he talked about her. All I care is about how things are now… I know if I saw him at school I’d probably turn and go the other way. I’m not mad at him really, just the situation, because I never wanted to tell I wanted to just get over it myself, but for some reason I did. And I guess this is where I am now.. Wondering why.. And wishing nothing was said, wishing it would be like it was before I had the feelings. Its pretty much turned into him being just another guy in the past.. There’s a reason why I don’t tell people how I feel because every time I do it wrecks the friendship that is already had. I battle myself every time when it comes to stuff like that, and I think from now on I’m just gonna keep things like this to myself…however getting it all out like this feels good too…Except I saw him tonight getting on the bus and I turned around to go off the other door so I wouldn't have to talk to him...I'm not mad at him in any way, I'm just to embarrassed and shy to deal with it right now and see him...I mean I know from the past- I'd look at him blush look away and not say a word...I know that this is probably the end and its frustrating, he was a really nice guy, lots of fun even when I was upset somehow he'd make me laugh. I dont say that because I liked him, I say that because he was an awesome friend and guy..However odds are we probably wont talk anymore- not because I dont want to but because it seems like he doesnt, and with that it makes me even more shy and embarrassed...Oh well I guess It's just the shy Melissa that is coming out again...

This is Mel’s frustrations….and sorry for the long post but it was needed...