Thought I'd post....

So a friend was asking me if i still post and as usual... its a come and go experience kinda like acid reflux.... yea I woke up last night in the middle of the night with it and it has been taunting me alll day now- I'm hoping that the milk in my cereal will help with it because I really don't want to take any Tums..

So I weighed in yesterday morning and only lost .8lbs but I was very happy with it considering I lost 3.2 last week, so I knew I would have a lower week... I'm 2 lbs away from being lighter than I was in high school, and hitting 45lbs lost- tha'ts like a small child and yet I did not give birth lol. I had two pieces of Birthday cake last night - it was home made carrot I just couldn't resist it was AMAZING! Except after... I felt sooooo sick- too much sugar that my body is not used to dealing with. None the less it was good and I will deal with the weight related issues as they come.

Here is an updated pic that was taken a few weeks ago with my mom before I went to a work party and a pic to compare to that was taken in my last year of university when I went to Daytona to work for 2 weeks in May right before I started Weight Watchers (June)....

Feelin like I've failed :(

I just need to vent. I've been unemployed since June (when I graduated). I cant get a job teaching or in the education field, or even a regular non-education job. I've been applying everywhere and I have yet to even have 1 interview since June. I'm starting to feel like I've failed. I mean I have this great education that lots of people dont have the option of getting, and your supposed to come out of school and start in the real world with a job and I can't even get that. I have bills to pay that I can't pay- and I'm living at home so its not like im currently worrying about rent and stuff, but I do have to deal with other things. Its just really frustrating and after being out for so long without even getting a single interview i'm starting to feel pretty useless- I mean I can't even seem to get a job as a cashier. Ive entertained the thought of going to the UK to teach because they seem to be desperate, but something keeps holding me back. Probably the fact that Id be scared crapless because id be goin along, wouldn't know anyone, and the kids there are a lot harder to deal with than canadian children. The plus is I could actually save a LOT of money. But i dont wanna leave my family, my bunny, and again i can't make a huge transition like that alone. So its back to layin in bed all day as i look for jobs. I just want something to come along that id actually like. Daycare was a thought; but i dont like younger children unless they are in some way related to me lol. I dont wanna change diapers all day and i know i wouldnt be happy- and when your working with children you NEED to enjoy your job because the kids will catch on and the way you feel will reflect in how they feel about you. I just want the feeling of failing and letting people down to go away. I look at my brother who seems to get everything so easily, he got fired from his job 4 weeks ago and already has 4 different job offers- one from each interview he went on. He has an income and pays his bills and yet i can't even get that and i have a higher education than him. I just feel like ive let alot of people down- including myself.

A post for the fun of it

I haven't posted in a while so I figured I would. Nothin really new or exciting going on in life, I'm still lookin for a job (teaching or non) and it really sucks.

Today I was at my Uncles 70th Birthday BBQ and I'm really happy with the choices I made for dinner. We had hot dogs, hamburgers, sausages, and chicken breast - I opted for the chicken and a bit of ceaser salad and a bit of broccoli salad. I was happy with that! At desert I did have a piece of carrot cake which was AMAZING! but i turned down the butter tart i was given, and the rice crispy square. I much say I'm happy with that. I do have a really bad headache post-cake though due to the sugar! I never used to get "sugar highes" but i've noticed now that i changed what im eating and what not, that things like sugar really get to me....

Nothin else really new other than being UBER tired- i was up all night driving my drunk (older) brother around town so that he wouldn't drive his own car.

Omg what a waste of a night!

So on Friday I went to visit my best friend in Ingersoll it was a lot f fun- great night! That isnt my problem.... My problem is Saturday Night... I went to see a guy Sat night in London (i've posted about it before)... I thought it was gonna be quite the night given the history between us- and the massssssive amount of sexual tension that had been buildin between us for a few weeks... So I get to his house and we go in- he hadn't eaten dinner yet so he cooked up some food for himself... we sat on the couch --- i could pretty much end it there because that explains the whole night except it gets worse!!! We sit beside eachother at first- only time he spoke was when i inniated the conversation by making a comment or asking him a question- we watched movies that were on tv...we sat pretty much in utter silence --- the breaking point- he was texting another girl all night while i was sitting beside him... He's got this girl he really likes but she doesn't wanna date him for whatever reasons yet he continues to chase it--- well many times he'll be with her and texting me- why not- its good times - but i didn't realize that when he was with me he'd be texting her lol... WOW is all i have to say... Then he gets up later on for a drink comes back and lays on the other couch so what do i do- lay down on the one im on lol... the whole night i debated bailing but i wasn't sure how to do it and not be a bitch lol... well it never happened cuz i ended up falling asleep on the couch - what can i say it was just WAYYYY to exciting of a night lol - god i could have had more fun alone at home- at least i'd get my own bed to sleep in at the end of the night... i guess shortly after i crashed he decided to go to bed and left me on the couch- didnt even toss a blaket beside me - fuck I woke up FROZEN! when i woke up this mornirng i did bail- i left...it ended up taking me almost 4 hrs to get home due to traffic- i wasn't about to wait around sitting on his couch all morning for him to wake up --- at that point i just wanted to get the F outa there! I dont know what his deal was- he hasn't talked to me yet today so i msg'd him he was replying until i asked "what was your deal lastnight?" haha OPPS! none the less i'm over the whole situation - actually im more frustrated and annoyed than anything. At least pretend that your interested when im there lol! I think actually, im mixed between Frustration and Stupidity lol


---- just got his reply as to what his deal was lastnight he said he was stressed, tired and wasn't feeling well --- thats a lot of excuses lol... he has an exam on friday he claims thats what its all from- common even when your stressed u can still TALK!-----

Still angry

So i thought when i woke up this morning that i was feeling better and not pissed off- but nope i still am... i msg'd him today and asked him if he was still in a crusty mood b/c last night he was bitchy and he was like yea i guess im fine and said nothing to me after that--- so im back to being pissed off!

UGHHHHHHHHHH

I'm so upset right now... you know when your angry and frustrated that you just wanna cry but your so angry that you cant- yep thats me RIGHT now... and whos the only person that can make us women like this? Men... So yes it was a man that has done this to me! we'e good friends i mean i like him *as posted earlier* at least i think i do... and i found out tonight that though he doesn't like me in the way i would prefer he finds me sexually attractive lol or at least so that he wants to sleep with me...i guess after all the drunken text messagiging things seem to have developed lol... so after a long 2 hr convo on line i'm angry as hell! things that normally wouldn't really bother me have really gotten under my skin.. i just wanna yell its like every little thing he said was pissing me off and normally things dont really bother me that much..he was making it out like if i didnt come visit him (hes in London, On) within the next day or two than clearly im just "all talk and a tease" again normally that woulnt bug me but i really took offence to it tonight. i attemtped to blame 'mother nature' for not being able to (even though it was a lie) and even that bairly worked his responce was "well a week is a long time to wait." im just so angry and frustrated right now... I'll be the first to admit we have a lot of sexual tension between us i mean u could totally cut it with a knife lol and the fact that today is his birthday and tomorrow is mine i guess made it to be the 'perfect birthday presents' lol.... i dont know if its just a mood im in and he walked into it making it worse of if he is the reason for this mood...I'm not happy with the pressure he was giving me i know that made things worse- like if i said i'm not comfortable with something leave it at that and fuckin respect it dont keep pushing at it! and i do have mixed feelings about it.. i mean am i all talk maybe a bit? hes a good friend of mine and i dont wanan complicate things... at the same time i am attracted to him.. it has been a few years since much has happened between me and a man - due to jeremys passing so i know thats probably effecting my mood too!

i just wanna yell at the top of my lungs!!!!


side note: according to a facebook quiz- this song is the theme song of my life- check out the video i really like the song and its actually totally real because the lyrics do match how i feel at this stage in my life http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BieVgyrfglQ

Birthdays and frustrations!

So I had my birthday tonight because it was the only night this week my fam could all get together. I got some awesome things :) New perfume DEF didnt see that one coming since my mom already gave me my presents! I got a new duvet cover, bag, perfume (YAY), money, some jewlery, and a new Magic Bullet since the one I bought with Jeremy seems to have gone missing ever since we moved in together. I'm excited for my new one because i know i'm in a better place to have it because i'm going to be doing sooooooooooooo much with it. I went out for dinner to Boston Pizza tonight and went all out and didnt really care but i did make sure to track it :). I decided to divide up my dinner so i'd have some for lunch tomorrow and that way it would help with the point over load (especially after i hit up desert lol). I did use all my weekly's but i didn't go over in any way so im happy about that!

And then theres the frustraton part... (leads in from my last post that i said i would go into a bit more in detail). Theres a guy that i do like i guess i have a classic 'crush' on him. Frustrating...VERY because its been going on (fun flirting) for a few months... i dont even know if you'd call it that- really its just random convo's we have... but none the less i do like him... its werid i'm not sure why at all hes WAY younger than me which is odd for me i like guys my age or just a few years older so this is a new experience. None the less the crush must end has he has met a girl- she says she doesn't want a relationshp but when does that ever mean a thing lol... oh well we are frends- entertaining friends at that... just frustrated i guess... though i know ill get over it!

To be honest i'm not sure if im ready for a relationshp yet I still miss jeremy a lot and i know i always will- people say the second year is the hardest because its no longer the 'first' first christmas without him etc... now its happened and its what it will be like for the rest of your life...i think i would have to agree with that... the past few months i really felt like i was getting somewhere however as soon as the two year anniv. hit it was GAME OVER!Some days i would say i am others i would say i'm not... its hard... i guess when it happens it will be time and i will be okay with it...i guess i just miss having that other person around to share things with..laugh..smile..cry all that good shit

Sat night shenanigans

Wow I dont even know where to begin lastnight. It was sooooooo much fun! The stories that came out of last night were so funny--- not to mention I actually remembered a lot of random stuff that went down a few months ago that I totally forgot about (random 20 questions with a friend on MSN lol). It def was a random night though... a lot of text messages were going back and forth between me and someone else which def made the entire night really entertaining! None the less i woke up this morning feeling as though i had one two many lol... I will write more- i just cant right now... i need some sleep and to gather my thoughts some more...

UGH

Man I'm so frustrated with myself... I just realized I screwed up cover letters for teaching- which means the 6 hrs i spent driving around delivering applications for jobs was somewhat a waste of time. Why do i ALWAYS do this!?!?!? Its so typical for me to not re-read a cover letter and send it off-- its like hi im applying for Kindergarten but then it talkes about the grade 4 curriculum....I'm just angry cuz i just totally screwed myself out of jobs! I'm just so freagin mad at myself!

I'm going to a Kegger tomorrow night in London should be interesting since i dont know many of the people attending... actually i only know about 5 of them lol... Oh well I'll booze it up and all will be well!

I'm hoping to get up early tomorrow mornring and go for a run.. I've been neglecting it for the past week and I know I really need to go out and do it so heres hoping i get up at a decent time! OO I also went grocery shopping today and got some lovely new goodies i would have never thought of before- 100cal bags of popcorn (I'm not much into P.C. but once in a while i really want some so this will be great!) and some awesome kabobs- they are only 2pts and taste soo good!!! I'm heading to Boston Pizza on Sunday for my birthday dinner and I've been pre-looking at the menu and I think i have picked out what I'm gonna order so that should make things a bit easier that day... Things are getting easier at restraunts though - when i first started with WW i didn't want to eat out ever because i never knew what to get or what it would be worth so i'd just be like na im not hungry, however now i'm getting a lot more used to what is "good" in an order and what is bad.. so with that i'm WAY happier!

Wow this is turning into a really long post lol.... oooo so exciting- Not only have i now gotten into my jeans from 2 years ago (YAY!) and my tennis skirt from 2 years ago (DOUBLE YAY) but I also got into my size smaller tank tops- uber happy about that... I'm happy to be getting back to my "pre-jeremy passing" weight and not be at the weight that i was when jeremy died. Really I just wanna be back to my high school weight - Between my 1st year of Univ. and the begining of my 4th year i put on like 20lbs - and then from my 4th year to 5th year (when jer and i were dating to when he died) I put on anothr 15 -- in teachers college I stayed the same however its about time i get back to my high school days - like in this pic i think i was 17 when this was taken! (I'm in the skirt/dress)

Anywho I'm heading -- this has turned into a HUGE post that I'm not used to lol...
luvs!