Birthdays and frustrations!

So I had my birthday tonight because it was the only night this week my fam could all get together. I got some awesome things :) New perfume DEF didnt see that one coming since my mom already gave me my presents! I got a new duvet cover, bag, perfume (YAY), money, some jewlery, and a new Magic Bullet since the one I bought with Jeremy seems to have gone missing ever since we moved in together. I'm excited for my new one because i know i'm in a better place to have it because i'm going to be doing sooooooooooooo much with it. I went out for dinner to Boston Pizza tonight and went all out and didnt really care but i did make sure to track it :). I decided to divide up my dinner so i'd have some for lunch tomorrow and that way it would help with the point over load (especially after i hit up desert lol). I did use all my weekly's but i didn't go over in any way so im happy about that!

And then theres the frustraton part... (leads in from my last post that i said i would go into a bit more in detail). Theres a guy that i do like i guess i have a classic 'crush' on him. Frustrating...VERY because its been going on (fun flirting) for a few months... i dont even know if you'd call it that- really its just random convo's we have... but none the less i do like him... its werid i'm not sure why at all hes WAY younger than me which is odd for me i like guys my age or just a few years older so this is a new experience. None the less the crush must end has he has met a girl- she says she doesn't want a relationshp but when does that ever mean a thing lol... oh well we are frends- entertaining friends at that... just frustrated i guess... though i know ill get over it!

To be honest i'm not sure if im ready for a relationshp yet I still miss jeremy a lot and i know i always will- people say the second year is the hardest because its no longer the 'first' first christmas without him etc... now its happened and its what it will be like for the rest of your life...i think i would have to agree with that... the past few months i really felt like i was getting somewhere however as soon as the two year anniv. hit it was GAME OVER!Some days i would say i am others i would say i'm not... its hard... i guess when it happens it will be time and i will be okay with it...i guess i just miss having that other person around to share things with..laugh..smile..cry all that good shit

Sat night shenanigans

Wow I dont even know where to begin lastnight. It was sooooooo much fun! The stories that came out of last night were so funny--- not to mention I actually remembered a lot of random stuff that went down a few months ago that I totally forgot about (random 20 questions with a friend on MSN lol). It def was a random night though... a lot of text messages were going back and forth between me and someone else which def made the entire night really entertaining! None the less i woke up this morning feeling as though i had one two many lol... I will write more- i just cant right now... i need some sleep and to gather my thoughts some more...

UGH

Man I'm so frustrated with myself... I just realized I screwed up cover letters for teaching- which means the 6 hrs i spent driving around delivering applications for jobs was somewhat a waste of time. Why do i ALWAYS do this!?!?!? Its so typical for me to not re-read a cover letter and send it off-- its like hi im applying for Kindergarten but then it talkes about the grade 4 curriculum....I'm just angry cuz i just totally screwed myself out of jobs! I'm just so freagin mad at myself!

I'm going to a Kegger tomorrow night in London should be interesting since i dont know many of the people attending... actually i only know about 5 of them lol... Oh well I'll booze it up and all will be well!

I'm hoping to get up early tomorrow mornring and go for a run.. I've been neglecting it for the past week and I know I really need to go out and do it so heres hoping i get up at a decent time! OO I also went grocery shopping today and got some lovely new goodies i would have never thought of before- 100cal bags of popcorn (I'm not much into P.C. but once in a while i really want some so this will be great!) and some awesome kabobs- they are only 2pts and taste soo good!!! I'm heading to Boston Pizza on Sunday for my birthday dinner and I've been pre-looking at the menu and I think i have picked out what I'm gonna order so that should make things a bit easier that day... Things are getting easier at restraunts though - when i first started with WW i didn't want to eat out ever because i never knew what to get or what it would be worth so i'd just be like na im not hungry, however now i'm getting a lot more used to what is "good" in an order and what is bad.. so with that i'm WAY happier!

Wow this is turning into a really long post lol.... oooo so exciting- Not only have i now gotten into my jeans from 2 years ago (YAY!) and my tennis skirt from 2 years ago (DOUBLE YAY) but I also got into my size smaller tank tops- uber happy about that... I'm happy to be getting back to my "pre-jeremy passing" weight and not be at the weight that i was when jeremy died. Really I just wanna be back to my high school weight - Between my 1st year of Univ. and the begining of my 4th year i put on like 20lbs - and then from my 4th year to 5th year (when jer and i were dating to when he died) I put on anothr 15 -- in teachers college I stayed the same however its about time i get back to my high school days - like in this pic i think i was 17 when this was taken! (I'm in the skirt/dress)

Anywho I'm heading -- this has turned into a HUGE post that I'm not used to lol...
luvs!

Bored

So I'm bored and I thought I would come on and spify up my blog... I was looking at Becki's and loved her background and went to the website and pulled off mine! I love it so much better than the Blogger options! I also added on my weight loss tracker on the side with the pounds I loose each week. I thought it would be nice to have this since the ticker at the top of this doesn't show the weekly work just the overall.... Anywho I'm finished now and off to bed!

I did go away on the weekend- Went to St. Kitts with a bunch of friends from work it was soooooooo much fun i can't wait to do it again... my fav pic from the weekend (skill to shoot from the top down makes ur face skinnier lol). I've also been having a "i miss jeremy" day... some people think im crazy since its been 2 years and i still miss him but i do have my moments and today is one. i just wish i could give him a nice big hug and tell him how much i love him :) .... Anywho here are two pics from the Niagara weekend! Much fun was had!

eating at midnight and tomorrow is WI

So i've decided to change my WI day to wednesday -- after a lot of thought i feel like it will be better than monday morning. When i was doing WI on Mondays i was often bloated from a weekend of eating making the scale weigh me in more than i really was... with the change to wedneday i feel like even if i do eat a bit to much on the weekends i will still have 2 days to get back into gear and work it off... plus it might help me not go over board because i will still have a few days left that i need to get through...

with that im HUNGRY!!!!!!!!! so im eating a bowl of special K (didn't measure it dont care that its not on portion) im freggggggggggin hungry - i drank 2 glasses of water to try to make this hunger go away but it didnt --- i wasited 5 pts today on cake lol it was goooooood but not something that has been able to make me full later on - none the less i will live with my mistake when i WI tomorrrow

Doctor's and Chest X-ray's

So what a fun afternoon I had....SLASH NOT! I spent an hour in the doctors office- shocking it wasn't longer lol..... and then he sent me for a chest x-ray... I've been sick since Feb so thats 4 months now... I was better for about 2 weeks and its coming back again (no worries its not swine) and to the happiness of my family its bacterial which means no one i'm around will get sick - its just a bad bad cough and kills my energy - when it first started i couldnt drive more than an hour without having to pull over for a nap... it was bad! I've been told it sounds like croup but alast it is not... we're not sure what it is so i'm kinda hoping that this x-ray brings something up so at least i have a reason for this cold :(

I love WW!!!

I'm feeling good today! I'm really enjoying my time with Weight Watchers; and the message boards really keep me going... I love the posts that people made because a lot of the time its something I have been wondering myself. Not to mention all the inspiration it has given me! I'm really excited today because I've realized I've gained flexibility. Prior to WW I was never able to touch my toes standing up - even though I went to the gym it just never happened. But tonight I realized I can do it now! I haven't been able to do this since I was young and dancing! I've been doing different types of exercises and it is clearly working. I am worried that I wont loose again this week just because I didn't last week and I was semi-bummed out about it but I did loose inches so that was alright... I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be thin and that it wasn't a process lol- if only it could happen....

Title... Who needs a title?

So things have been going good so far i suppose... Haven't posted in a few days- i wont lie its cuz ive been to lazy too and haven't felt the need to.... Things seem to be going well (or so i hope) with Weight Watchers :) Tomorrow is Weigh In day and im not sure how i feel about it seeing as i had quite the dirty dirty pizza for dinner lastnight - even though i managed to stay on point. Oh well I needed it.. I just hope i can loose still cuz i know anything less will make me feel really un motiveated!

I'm looking forward to the next 3 weekends though (also gonna be hard to stay on point). I'm headed to Niagara this weekend to party with some co-workers it should be a lot of fun! And i could really go for some fun lately.. Then I'm off to London for yet another party weekend with some co-workers that can't make it to Niagara... Then the 3rd weekend is my BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!! Its awesome sharing your birthday weekend with Canada cuz it means I always get a long weekend lol... I'm headed to North Bay and then Mattawa for camping with my close friends and their family - or as i like to call it my second family :) I first Met Kayla and Dave when Jeremy and I went to Toronto to see them in December. Kayla was pregnant with her first child and I was told by Jeremy that their oppinion meant more to him than his own (God can we say pressure!!!!) so here I am having to make a good impression and clearly I have. We have remiand close friends since and it has really gotten me through my hardest times. Both Dave and Kayla's parents and family have also been very close with me. Their parents were like second parents to Jeremy and clearly have adopted me into that theory too... So we're camping Kayla and the un-born second baby lol, Dave, their baby Ethan, Daves parents, Daves sister, and Daves aunt and uncle... From there I'm headed back to North Bay to visit with Jeremys family (i'm hoping they will be home as i do miss them a lot) and a visit with one of Jeremy's professours Natalie Dunn (no relation).

So i have a lot to look forward to over the next few weeks which is nice... I've been having a hard time being 'peppy and happy' just have a lot goin on in my mind and around me. Some of the stuff going on makes me feel like a bad person....and I dont like that feeling because I know thats not the case but when you can't be happy for someone's engagement it really does make u feel like crap!

I've Graduated!

So Friday was the big day! I graduated Teachers College and I'm very excited about that... The only problem is that there are NO school boards hiring and it sucks! It is kinda frustrationg because you have this dream and you work hard for 6 years to achieve it only to know you can't live it for a few years until the economy gets better and teachers start to retire!

I'm looking forward to this new chapter in life and can't wait to be able to get into a classroom and do what I love :)

Other things have been going well. WW is working and I'm enjoying it- I just want to be able to stick with it and make the changes that need to be made. I went to my step-dad's gig on Friday night (after grad) and had a few drinks and still managed to keep in my daily points with them which made me very happy....

This is the start of changes and new parts to my life and hopefully I will get everything I want in life....

"Some people dream of great accomplishments while others stay awake and achieve them!"

Yaun

Yea I'm tired but none the less here i am for a quick blog.... I went out today to visit my grandma (shes sick) nothing too exciting came from that just a visit.... went shopping with my mom she bought me my graduation present (i really wanted pearls) so i found a necklace i liked a lot (even though it was the last type of pearl necklace i ever wanted- i hate the ones with the pearls all the way around i just wanted 1 pearl on a chain-- boy was i wrong when it tried it on!).....came home and went out for dinner it was rather un eventful and then went for a tan... im freggin tired now though!

hopefully i wake up refreshed tomorrow morning so i can go out for a walk - im working my way up to running again

Goodnight all!

Do I have a death wish?

I think I do because I did the 30 day shred this afternoon and then bobs boot camp this evening... i will be DEAD tomorrow --- the only problem is I have to do it in my room so the cardo parts i cant do the same or else i'd be shaking the living room below me lol.

hum...

I'm undecided how I feel at this current time .... I know some people will be like "are you kidding me, its been 2 years and your not over it" but until you live it- you really have no idea... The past year I have been relatively 'good' in terms of emotions... sure there were a few times that i'd totally loose it but for the most part it was much better than year 1... however lately i've been in a funk... I really miss him I'm not sure if being in North bay and sudbury last weekend did it because it brought back memories of him or because i haven't been there in a year and thus i was going back to where it all began... none the less its not a good one.... I was seeing someone for a while to discuss this but... now that i think about it... its been almost a year since I've last been to her to talk (councellor). For the past 2 years I have been dealing with a lot of blame problems due to the way things were left and the fact that I do believe i could have prevented it- it was because of me he went out that night and therefore did not come home...Its hard I mean we weren't together for a VERY long time when compard to most peoples relationships however, we were living together, and spent almost every day together - We started dating in Oct and did not spend a night away from eachother until our Christmas vaca -- so even though we were not together long we spent a lot of time together every day and every night (with only a few exceptions) so in a sence we were together for a long time i guess.. thats right 2 years later and I'm still having all these thoughts...

My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope's channels,
I'll reach the shore at last.

On a side note... I graduate on Friday - I'll be a real teacher with no job to have BOO! All i've wanted my whole life was to teach and now that I am finally able to theres no job to have it sucks!
Right now I'm vegging out and watching some tv before bed.. I'm tired but as usual not tired enough to need to sleep or fall asleep and have a good one... My legs kill from doing the 30 day shred I'm hoping it wont be too bad because i'd like to get up early and go for a walk.

On another side note-- this is my FAV link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxsOVK4syxU&feature=player_embedded -- its an amazing speaker who talks about What Teachers Make --- every single thing he says is true and i love it for that~

Tired...

I'm tired. Yea I know I slept in today until 11am haven't done much today but I'm tired! I dunno if its because I'm not sleeping properly at night (always an issue with me) or if it is because i do nothing all day and am just bored but who knows.... i spent today cleaning my room and re-organizing the spare/office room because it just got some new furniture. I've spent most of today in bed with my heating pad again (dying) and snuggling with my bunny Waffles. Heres hoping i feel better soon and get more energy - i'm sick of not having a job but i am looking every day for one. i am also tired because i did the 30 day shred today, i had a moment where my cramps went away so i went for it. bad thing is it made me feel like crap after!